Hermione and her Monster Man Meat
by slitherenzemeraldz
Summary: It's a new year at Hogwarts, students have arrived and settled into the old routine. Harry has discovered love, hope and a new horror that stalks the halls of Hogwarts, preying upon the students. Will Harry be able to stop it in time?
1. Chapter 1

The Tale of

**HERMIONE**

…_and her Monster Man Meat._

A Tale in Six Parts.

Co-authored by Hooligan, Valentina, Road, Amadeus.

Editing by Caesar.

_**PROLOGUE**_

"_**Hermione's Awakening."**_

_T__he sky above the_ great hall sparkled with the light of a thousand stars, a perfect night for Hermione to prepare her tool.

She reached down; underneath Dumbledore's throne at the head of the hall. She felt around some, until finally her hand came across a small button. It was shaped like a dong. She pressed it firmly, and a resounding hiss erupted from the chair. Immediately, a white bolt of holy fury splintered down through the invisible ceiling, struck one of the throne's posts and ricocheted between the adjacent post until the back of the chair was weaved with white hot energy. The seat began to glow and soon the entire chair was blinding. Hermione shielded her delicate eyes. Through the palms of her hands and her eyelids she could still see a faint glow, and suddenly it was gone. She looked where Dumbledore's throne was sitting a minute ago; all that remained was a sliver of virgin metal. Hermione touched it for a moment. It was icy cold. She picked it up, and instantly it began to take shape. The platinum silver began to fade, taking the tone of flesh. It was time, Hermione thought. At one end the tool began to elongate, the other side began to fatten. Hairs began to bristle from this end. Her tool was ready...


	2. Chapter 2

"_**The Fantasies of a Wizard."**_

Harry broke into a heavy sweat; he was dreaming his sweet dreams - he and Severus were splayed upon a soft cotton blanket, their bare feet sensually tickled by the liquid silk tentacles of the giant... squid. Harry leaned in for the kiss and woke up with a mouthful of Ron. 'RON!!! OUT OF MY BED YOU FIENDISH SNAKE!' Harry bellowed. Ron shrank below the sheets and rolled away. For the past week, Ron had been gently pushing his way into Harry's dungeon, only to be rejected each morning. Harry took a deep breath and tried to return to his fantasy world but the moment of erotic pleasure was lost. Harry sighed, another day of school and another day of watching Snape simper after Dumbledor like a lost puppy. Harry propelled himself from the bed to prepare himself for the day.

As Harry buttoned up his shirt, he couldn't help but imagine Severus's smooth, cold hands undoing them. Harry pictured the intricate pattern on the back of Snape's hand. Gently, it trailed down his chest and –

'Harry! Get a load of this!' Ron yelled as he poked his head into Harry's shower cubicle. Harry was forced to tear his attention away from Snape's smouldering eyes in the back of his mind to focus on Ron's eager face. Grinning, Ron stepped into the cubicle, in his hand Harry could see a rolled up magazine. 'I found this in Neville's bag, who would've thought?' Ron remarked as he extended his hand out to offer the magazine to Harry. Upon unrolling it, Harry discovered explicit images of Albanian Horned Toads splashed across the front page, mouths gaping. Harry instantly felt ill, who would defile the beauty of something so natural in such a derogatory way? Harry lurched forward gagging, and grasped Ron's knees for support. Terrible images flashed through his mind; pictures of Snape and toads rolled past him in a flash. Harry hit the floor with a thud.

Later he would discover he had been given CPR by Ron, his balled fists pounding to a rhythm on Harry's chest. Once transported to the hospital wing, Ron and Hermione had both helped to pull his clothes on, although in the chaotic scene, Ron appeared to have forgotten to robe himself.

As the morning wore on, Harry's various friends dropped into the wing to see Harry and wish him well, although Harry's mind was elsewhere yet again. _It seems everybody except the one I really care about has visited me this morning... Can't he tell the way I feel? I make it so obvious... I always misbehave in class, hoping desperately for the chance to spend an evening's detention in his presence. _

As time dragged on Harry realised he wasn't coming. He never did. Madam Pomfrey agreed Harry was well enough to go to breakfast and he left minutes later. Harry's unseasoned hope was yet again diminished by another stake to his heart.

Down at breakfast, the new time tables were handed out. Harry's heart did a sort of summersault as he saw he had double potions with Snape on Tuesday afternoons! Hope after all. After this, Harry found it quite easy to enjoy his breakfast. Ron and Hermione watched, disgusted as Harry inhaled his food, ketchup and saliva meandering down his chin to come to rest on his collar.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry fingered the tip of his wand eagerly, while staring at the sunlit day on the Hogwarts grounds. It was almost the same as it had been in his dream. Perhaps he possessed the third eye? Maybe that was the future he saw? _Hah, don't kid yourself Harry _he thought. _Maybe I should just mix myself up a lurv potion. _ The thought was appealing but he would never drag up the courage to actually attempt such a feat. Harry decided to wag transfiguration and spend the afternoon down in Hagrid's hut. The man had a soft spot for him. Harry noticed the back of a bushy head bobbing up and down on it's way across the lawn to Hagrid's hut. Harry considered this for a moment and decided it would be much more fun to visit Hagrid with Hermione. Harry hastily made an excuse up to leave class and made his way down to the entrance hall.

The sky was darkening. Hermione felt the shaft in her robe pocket. She approached Hagrid's shack and unsheathed the schlong. It expanded rapidly, the disembodied virgin tool was about to pop it's bloody cherry. The hut was shaking furiously, the dark outlines of Hagrid and another shape could be seen by Hermione through the scummy, stained window. She heard a rumble, a bass grunt accompanied by a tenor pitch moan. Hagrid was really pounding it tonight. Hermione rubbed the cock, its head raised and inflated, becoming as large as the door to the shack. And then she swung it. The swelled member crushed half of the hut. The moans turned into panicked screams. The dong sprayed a wave of glorious fury. Hagrid, and his apparent bedmate Flickwick lay unconscious on the ground. Hermione motioned for the wang to morph, the head melted into something akin to a hammerhead shark. The plane facing Hermione was razor sharp. She raised her wand, "Wengardium Leviosa" she whispered and Hagrids bloated body levitated. Some slick fluid slid off his face. She motioned with the wand and Hagrid's neck rested neatly on the back of the wanger. She raised her foot and pushed with all her force upon the back of Hagrids head. The schlong's blade receeded into Hagrid's trachea. A satisfying gurgle accompanied a squirt of crimson from the bearded neck. She continued to force with her boot. She felt more resistance now as the blade nestled between the spinal bones and severed the spinal cord. Hagrid's neat skull dropped to the floor.

Harry was gasping for breath. He had sprinted the entire way and he was certainly feeling the heat. He had sensed that something had gone awry and the billowing smoke issuing from the ruins of Hagrid's cabin only confirmed the worst. As he neared the scene, he could see splatters of red dribbling down a lone standing pillar, the erect pillar crumbled into a flaccid pile.

Harry was shocked to see Hermione covered in blood, standing over the half-giant's corpse. She looked up at him and cackled.

"Why!?" Harry cried.

Hermione stared at him through locks of blood-matted hair. "Don't you see?" she whimpered, "I've always wanted Hagrid – well parts of him anyway."

"What on earth do you mean?" asked Harry, perplexed.

Hermione replied sheepishly; "I have this _thing_ I like to do. I use my magical dick-wand-sword to cut people's heads off… and then I do _things _to them."

Harry stared at her, feeling strangely aroused: "what kinds of things?" he asked nervously.

Hermione picked up Hagrid's severed stump and grinned. "I do _this…"_

_CENSORED FOR SCENES OF A HEAD-FUCKING NATURE._

Harry gasped. "Upon my toad! How marvellous!" Hermione smiled wide and launched at him, swollen member held high. Within a few seconds Harry's head was wrenched off by the enormous wang and flew in a neat arc across the sky. She picked up the head and stroked the lighting bolt scar tenderly. It was time to have some fun, she thought to herself.


	4. Chapter 4

A soft whimpering issued from beneath a snow white veil late at night in the Gryffindor common room. Rivulets of tears and a thick, glossy mucus spilled down Hermione's cheeks as she cowered in a corner. _What have I done? What power have I awoken? _Was what she kept running through her mind over and over again. That one night, the one night that would change the fates of so many people, was the night Hermione had gotten totally blazed on sparkspores. Sparksporeswas are in fact an illegal substance that is produced in the rectum of woodland pixies. When excreted from the pixie, and snorted up the nasal cavities, the spores cause a hallucinogenic, dream like effect on the user. Judgement, perception and good taste are all impaired within seconds of inhalation. This was to be Hermione's undoing. Hermione was a heavy sparkspores user and usually after a day of class, homework, food and time spent with Harry and Ron, Hermione would creep up to her bedroom and suck in the beautiful little pieces of faeces, right up into the very top of her nose. That is how all of this terrible business began. Ever since her first month at Hogwarts, Hermione had become dependent on the spores. She hadn't managed to abstain for little over a week before she started using again. It had seemed a good idea to wake the phallic glory at the time, Hermione had thought, it had seemed fucking hilarious in her dazed state, to be honest. Now all humour was lost as the images of her teachers, her best friend burned into her mind.

She was a murderer. An outlaw. She could, and never would forgive herself for what she had done. By now the bodies would be lying in the hospital wing, maybe they even brought a practitioner from St Mungo's to do the autopsy. She wouldn't be found. Or suspected. That was one thing that Hermione could count on.

'Hermione, are you Ok? It sounds like you're crying' called a voice from across the room. Most Gryffindor students recognised the white veil as Hermione by now, she had picked up the habit of sitting beneath it awhile after she had begun taking the sparkspores. Hermione pushed her little clear snap lock bag of goodies further up her ass and lifted the veil.

'Oh, Angelina, it's only you! Gosh you gave me a fright!' Hermione tried to smile. Relief flowed through her body.

'You should go to bed, it's getting pretty late, I just had detention with Snape down in the dungeons 'Angelina said through a nervous giggle. It was common knowledge that Snape was a very competent lover when the occasion called for it.

'Haha, you're probab—' Hermione stopped mid sentence. She could feel it. It was elongating. Growing. Quiet as a snake, she felt the cool hard metal swelling against her thigh. She only had seconds to act. 'Angelina, go to bed now! Leave me alone!' Hermione cried in panic, she was beginning to feel light headed as the saber began to drain the blood from her body, fueling its rapid growth.

'Gee Hermione, are you feeling OK?' Was all Hermione heard Angelina say as she lurched out of consciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry lay, forgotten and bleeding. He flexed his fingers gingerly, feeling crumpled leaves under his hand. After some time, Harry managed to roll over onto his stomach and again lost consciousness. Vaguely aware of the sunken suns rays penetrating his glasses, Harry's eyes opened, more aware of his surroundings. Harry breathed deep. Mixed in with the damp moss and evening musk, a metallic tang filled his mouth. Harry gagged. He remembered now.

_Harry dodged Hermione's sweeping blow, countering with a quick jab to the tits. Hermione swung the flesh-flute around in calculated arcs, making contact with his lower back. Harry stumbled back, his foot catching on the giant's overcoat. The same coat that had brought him his first birthday cake, was now covered with a different kind of icing. Harry hesitated, and then knelt down to pick up Hagrid's cum encrusted head by the shaggy beard. Harry propelled it forward with the force of a cannon ball and delivered a crippling blow to Hermione's left temple. Hermione knew she had to get her groove back. She began to rub the sabre vigorously. Harry's eyes widened in horror as the member swelled to twice the original size. Hermione advanced in an all out offensive. The turgid wang stabbed, weaved and bobbed with such speed that Harry could no longer keep up with the onslaught. He felt the dick jab at his every orifice, he could no longer tell where his body ended and the cock started. Falling to his knees, he waited for the final blow to be dealt to his head…_

Harry immediately focused. He mustered all his strength and pulled himself into an upright position. Reaching tentatively, his hands wandered over the lengths of his creamy white thighs. They were slicked with blood. Not wanting to believe the truth, Harry's eyes fluttered open and were met by a grisly sight. It was not the head containing his brain that had been severed, but his even more valuable cock. Harry let loose a projectile stream of vomit, akin to a fireman's hose dousing flames. Curdled milk dribbled down Harry's chin. He felt numb. His beautiful, alabaster broomstick had been taken from him.

Harry began the long, arduous journey towards the castle. He knew that he had precious little blood left. His head was already beginning to spin…


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The quill danced across the parchment, lit by the soft candlelight. Snape added one last full stop and put down the quill. He sighed, and wearily rose from his chair, snuffing out the candle on his way to the door. He pondered briefly whether people with Down syndrome were allowed to drink alcohol, but the thought quickly vanished when his stomach gave a mighty rumble, demanding to be filled with the juicy sausage awaiting him in the Great Hall. Snape marched from the room and strode down the corridors, his pace quickening with a growing hunger.

Snape entered the Great Hall and took in the mournful décor of the room. Each houses table was draped in black, with both Hagrid and Flitwick's portraits standing side by side in their usual spots at the high table. As Snape sat in his usual place at the table, his eyes scanned the room for that raven black hair, those emerald green eyes and that smooth, marbled skin. His eyes darted up and down the unusually subdued Gryffindor table but to no avail. Snape quickly forgot about the half eaten sausage lying withered in his hand and stood up abruptly. Intuition told him Harry was in trouble. Snape swept from the table, knocking Hagrid's and Flitwick's portraits from their seats in his haste. Snape noted that they would have wanted it this way anyway as the two images toppled on top of each other.

Snape left the castle, silently slipping through the great oak doors. As his eyes fixed on the lake, sheathed in moonlight, Snape suddenly remembered the dream he'd had last night. He _and Harry were entwined on a white blanket beside that very same lake._ But in this vision, there was a crimson patch of blood on Harry's crotch. Snape was taken aback. This wasn't how he remembered the dream. There had to be something wrong. He hadn't trained so hard to become adept at Legilimency for nothing. As he thought this, he heard a blood curdling cackling and watched in dismay as a bloodied Hermione skipped across the lawn, carrying something in her hand. Snape drew into the shadows to watch as Hermione flopped to the ground, laughing maniacally. She raised whatever was in her hand to her face, and began to smear the bloody organ in ritualistic patterns across her face. Snape crept closer and almost gagged, only managing to stop himself at the last second. Hermione had in her hand a phallus. That same phallus was a pale alabaster and sprayed with a selection of glossy, raven black hair. It could only belong to one wizard. Snape had not imagined his first time seeing Harry's ding-dong in this manner. Snape let out an almost inaudible whimper as Hermione raised the wang to her mouth and bit deep into the flesh. Snape was forced to cower in the shadows until Hermione had finished her divine meal. As soon as Hermione finished and returned to the castle, Snape set across the grass at a run, following his heart like a compass.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Severus Snape was not an athletic man, but sensing that his beloved Harry was in mortal peril made him run like Usain Bolt. He pounded the grass like a war veteran pounds a hooker. The stench of Harry's flowing blood hit Snape's nostrils before the soggy, crumpled heap came into view. Harry moaned gently as Snape stemmed the flow of the blood then heaved his flaccid body upon his shoulders and set off back towards the castle.

After nearly an hour of heaving and hoisting Harry, Snape remembered in his haste to get to dinner he had left his wand in his desk. He pulled it out and levitated Harry onto the top of his desk. Snape then proceeded to prepare Harry for the procedure of a lifetime. All of Snape's like work culminated to this moment. After tense minutes Snape knew both he and his potion were ready. His smooth hands tugged Harry's Calvin's down so he could survey the damage. Snape vomited into a nearby bubbling cauldron, inadvertently discovering the cure to HIV AIDS. It was repulsive and he needed to move fast. Snape swept around his desk and picked up the small vial of precious liquid. He then scanned his notes on vagina dentate before carefully pouring the potion onto Harry's swollen and bloodies crotch, murmuring incantations. All he could do now is wait…


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Harry slowly regained consciousness. He felt… good. Great even. Unbeknownst to Harry, a new hormone was coursing in waves through his veins. Remembering events of the past few hours, Harry sat bolt upright. He gingerly felt downwards to his todger. Harry sat up abruptly. Where his meat injection used to be, was now a fleshy pile cartilage and pubes. How did he get a vagina? _Whoa, where did __**that **__come from?_ Harry made a vomcano, brief and fleeting. Harry's eyes were drawn to the corner, where he could see the dark outline of a figure sitting in the corner. Snape emerged from the shadows, an crooked smirk transforming his face. Harry blushed, trying to pull his clothes over his ham wallet.

"Snape I – what happened? Where's Hermione? How did I… Did you do this to me?" Was all Harry could splutter.

"Harry, please calm down. There's so much to explain… But I guess that can wait. Why don't we take that new cocksheath out for a spin?" Snape asked as he sexily sauntered over to Harry, dropping his robe as he moved.

If Harry was blushing before, he resembled something close to a beetroot now. Harry's eyes wandered over the lengths of Snape's body, taking him in. Harry couldn't believe a man could be so delightfully pasty. Skin that had never seen sunlight. Harry's eyes lingered on those beautiful knobbly knees and jutting elbows before focusing on the sagging skin clinging to his ribs. A few sparse hairs occupied his chest, occasionally interrupted by a mole. He resembled a tall, hulking, albino praying mantis. Harry was instantly turned on. Harry felt his crotch become moist, a feeling he was not accustomed to.

"But Snape, I thought you didn't like me, **hated **me even? Why are you – are we really going to do this? Right now?" Harry cried, wide eyed in disbelief.

"Harry. I'm a paedophile. I gave you a vagina dentate, my life's work, to save your life. You now have the ability to sever dicks with the virginal teeth within your vagina. This is my greatest gift to you. Enough talk." Snape murmured as he climbed on top of the desk. He'd had Harry at the word paedophile. Their bodies clashed like two silver crested cockatiels as they met in an unholy union. Harry had but seconds to bury his face in Snape's luscious, grease slicked hair before Snape leant over to blow out the candle.

Snape whispered huskily, "I like you better in the dark."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Hermione slithered up the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible. She scanned the room names, looking for the first year dormitory. It was late, but it was never too late for some blood fucking fun. She felt the heavy shaft in her pocket stiffen at the thought. _Ah, first years. Fresh meat,_ Hermione thought as she stood in front of girls' dormitory. Hermione bent to one knee and began to expertly pick the lock. _Fuck wands,_ Hermione thought, _she was going old school_. Being a street urchin in the suburbs of London had taught her a few tricks. She'd spent the last few years of her school life in juvi, much to her parents' disappointment. She'd never told anybody that before.

Hermione was off the sparkspores, she was addicted to something new. Something more exciting. Fucking and murdering, the two greatest gifts that the metallic wang had given her.

The lock clicked and Hermione gently pushed the door open, slipping inside and then silently closing it behind her. She stood in the shadowy corner to wait for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, sliding her hand down the front of her pants to prepare her weapon.

"Put your hands down my pants and I bet you'll feel nuts…" Hermione whispered huskily as she slid her hands up and down the shaft. A choked giggle escaped her lips.

Swollen love muscle held above her head, Hermione moved to the closest bed. Bathed in moonlight, she saw the angelic face of a young girl lying on her back. She had delicate features framed by a curtain of sleep tousled hair. She was perfect. Hermione slammed the pork sword down upon the bed with the strength of a fully grown grizzly. The body was instantly severed in two, blood pouring to the floor in unstoppable waves. _This little slut didn't even wake up to know what killed her._

Hermione moved to the next bed. Her excitement grew as she unleashed an unholy frenzy upon the sleeping girl, brain matter and chunks of intestine spraying around the vicinity like a rain of meatballs. _Tastes like meatballs too, _thought Hermione as she threw back her head and caught some liver in her open mouth. After the first victims the girls were awake and screaming. Hermione leapt over the beds and dragged a girl away from the door, kicking and hollering in futility. This time Hermione used the wand screaming "_defigo_!" The door instantly locked. That would prevent any of the little bitches from escaping.

A blood bath ensued. Blood drenched the walls, the beds, the clothes. Blood even covered one of the girls' new kitten that her parents had given her. Hermione would leave the cat. She was akin to the beast within. The small animal bent down and began to drink blood out of the gash in her owner's neck. Hermione smirked in grim approval.

Hermione spied the last victim. She was trying to hide beneath the mutilated corpses of her comrades. The girl must have sensed Hermione's attention upon her because she sprung up and began to claw at the door, simultaneously begging Hermione for her life.

Hermione strode towards her and grabbed a handful of her hair. She pulled the head back to expose the fear filled eyes of the young girl. Hermione tore snapped the girls' neck against her shaft effortlessly, tossing the body aside.

Afterwards, Hermione sat down upon the ground and began to lick herself clean, humming Atomic Kitten under her breath. It was almost time for her to return to the sewers.

_Hermione awoke in the darkness some time later, not entirely sure where she was or what she had just done. She closed her eyes and tried to remember what happened in her last possession by the schlong. Vague memories of the bloody frenzy returned to her mind, much more easily than they had about past encounters. She remembered the feel of the wang, the taste of the blood, and the sense of terrible excitement that had dominated the whole episode. She loved it. She was almost… gagging for it._


	10. Chapter 10

Harry ascended the stairs to the girls' dormitories, when a smear of blood on the wall caught his eye. His pace quickened as he sensed danger, and he took the stairs two at a time. Harry was pleased to note the stairs no longer transfigured into a slide in his presence. Harry made a mental note to thank Sev later. As he reached the first floor, he noticed a puddle of blood outside the first door on the left. Harry scanned the corridor for other signs of Hermione's presence before opening the door.

A wave of acrid stench engulfed his nostrils, and Harry had to fight the urge to gag. What lay inside the door was the stuff of nightmares. Mangled bodies laid tossed about the room, organs and limbs strewn in all directions. As Harry stepped into the room a loose piece of flesh peeled off of the roof and fell onto his thick crop of jet black hair. Harry's face screwed up in disgust, although as he caught himself in the mirror, Harry noticed it was not unlike his O face.

Hermione had gone too far. This went beyond personal. These girls were innocent. Hagrid had committed adultery and Angelina Johnson had kind of been a bitch, but these girls were innocent. Harry had to stop her.

As he hurried down the dormitory stairs, Harry began considering possible locations for Hermione's lair. The Forbidden Forest? Too dangerous, and Harry knew Hermione was convinced the Forest was a Jewish plot to hide their immense wealth. Underneath the Whomping Willow was unlikely: Hermione hated that place. Harry opened his Marauder's Map and scanned it for Hermione. He found her standing in Moaning Murtle's bathroom. _That's weird... Wait! What if Hermione is using her new found trouser snake to gain entrance into the Chamber of Secrets?! Of course. _

Harry hurried along the passages of Hogwarts, arriving at Moaning Murtle's bathroom in approximately 15 minutes. He was making good time. Harry ran to the bathroom sinks, but the dark tunnel was already exposed. Hermione and her Trojan wang were already inside. Harry hoped for the best and jumped in.

As Harry careened down Hogwarts' intricate sewer system, he realise that he had forgotten the overwhelming stench of shit that belonged to the Chamber of Secrets. Harry's nostrils burned. He landed on the pile of bones at the bottom of the sewer pipe. After his eyes became adjusted to the darkness, Harry saw some disturbing images. Great phalluses had been drawn all over the walls in blood. This work was definitely Hermione's own, and had been sealed with a permanent sticking charm. Hermione's artistic ability ranged from clumsy to masterful, obviously documenting her descent into wangmania.

Harry continued down the dark and dingy corridor, mentally preparing himself for the great battle he knew was ahead.

At the end of the Chamber, Harry spied a hooded figure standing against the wall, shrouded in shadows. Hermione had recarved the face of Salazar Slytherin into the tip of a penis. She obviously hadn't slept in weeks. Harry felt himself both disgusted and turned on. _Gah, this vagina can be a nuisance,_ Harry thought.

"I wanted you to come" said a voice from behind him. A cold, clammy hand gripped the scruff of Harry's neck while her great todger grew hard and poked him in the small of his back. The battle had begun.

"Fuck you bitch, I'll do what I want!" Harry spat back, grabbing the tip of her penis and wrenching it downwards. Hermione spun away and began to furiously rub her skin flute. It grew rapidly and Harry's eyed widened. He was impressed.

"You've grown powerful" Harry remarked, nodding with satisfaction. This was an enemy worth fighting. He dropped his pants, revealing his new cockpit.

Hermione paused. He'd taken her by surprise.

In a split second they were on each other. Cock stabbing and slicing, vajayjay lunging and biting. Harry took a running jump and lept into the air, his legs spread eagled. Hermione could do little but stare in horror as Harry's crotch honed in on her face, its ghastly teeth gnashing. At the last moment, Hermione feigned left and Harry's vicious vagina went crashing to the floor. He spun around on his bum to face his enemy. A bead of sweat trickled down Hermione's temple. They were an even match. Wands lay forgotten in a shallow pool of dank water nearby.

Harry got to his feet. Hermione ran at him and attempting to deliver a kung-fu kick to his coochi. Harry lifted his leg to block and all of a sudden, the two were locked together in a scissoring battle. Genital clashed with genital as each tried to best the other. Hermione wrenched a clump of jet black pubes from Harry's nethers, eyes wide and bloodshot with fury. Harry howled in pain, then threw his head forward and bit Hermione's nose off. A stream of hot, steaming blood hit Harry in the face. That was the least sexy liquid that had squirted on him in awhile. He spat the chewy cartilage back in Hermione's eyes, temporarily blinding her, before taking another chunk out of her left cheek. The flesh made impact with a meaty thunk.

Harry gave Hermione a blood stained smile. Unfortunately, this was the moment Hermione needed to recompose herself. She put her hands up Harry's shirt and gave him the most excruciating nipple gripple he had ever experienced. She twisted his nipples off and threw them to the floor. Harry thought all was lost, but then he felt the comforting chill of a skeletal hand on his shoulder. Harry turned and saw Snape's waxy face smiling down at him. Harry was blinded by pain, but Snape's devotion gave him the strength to carry on. _Snape won't care about my nipples, _Harry thought. At that moment, his meat curtains enveloped Hermione's tallywacker. A sickening crunch filled the room and a blinding light erupted from the two mashing crotches. Harry felt Hermione go limp and fall into his arms, all traces of her mighty third leg vanished for good.

Harry cradled her bloody body in his lap, feeling the life go out of her. She suddenly opened her eyes and stared up at Harry.

"Oh... Harry... is it true? Did it all actually happen?" She murmured softly.

"No Hermione, it was all just a bad dream." Harry told her, smiling a crimson smile of reassurance.

"I was... so afraid... I'm so... so sleepy, Harry..." Hermione rasped, trailing off as the last of her lifeforce trickled onto the stone floor beneath her in one last haemorrhage.

"Oh Hermione..." Harry whispered, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. He felt a twinge of annoyance at how much Hermione had bled over his new Top Shop chinos.

Harry looked around for Snape, but there was nobody else in the room with him. Snape was his guardian angel.

He unsteadily rose to his feet, cradling the holes that used to be his nipples. He took one last rattling breath, then turned to leave the Chamber for a second time. The skeleton of the great basilisk lay there still, impassive to the scene of brutality and triumph that had occurred before it. Now, Hermione's bones would join it for all eternity, but not her boner.


	11. Epilogue

Epilogue

Harry perched on the edge of the toilet seat, hand rummaging between his thighs. He pulled the small, plastic muggle-device, otherwise known as a pregnancy test, out from the toilet bowl and inspected the results. It was official, Harry was pregnant with his first child. Harry felt a mix of apprehension and sheer joy. He couldn't wait to tell Sev, he'd be the best father. The only was... Sev had told Harry a few months ago that he was sterile. How could Snape impregnate Harry? Unless...

Harry gasped as the monster inside him kicked for the first time.

The End.


End file.
